it’s occurred to me recently that all my (usual) fuss about latest processors, fastest PCs and so on is just really quite superfluous. because unless you work for pixar or have dedicated your life to the lawless badlands of LAN gaming, you really don’t need anything very fancy. or near fancy. okay, or daring to aspire to fancy eventually-one-day-somewhere-somehow.

because i’ve been working on one of those retro-looking desktops at work, and i really didn’t have any problems (or face problems) with it, till people started coming over and laughing. then i developed a complex. but honestly, unlike most fashiona-bool people (peopool?) these days, i still like PCs. windows 98? no problem. totally brought me back to pre-uni days and honestly, without a lot of bells and whistles, things are Great.

but don’t come and like recommend linux or something, please. i may be nerdy, but i’m not smart.

anyway, i only really noticed i was on such an old OS when i wanted to bluetooth a picture from my phone to the PC. i’ve also recently discovered that people actually go to my photoblog. this comes as a slightly slow revelation, considering i initially deliberately coloured the word “photoblog” separately in a personal promise to update it more often. i forgot this promise, of course. and now i have a “eeyer, you never update your photoblog, one” photoblog.

but i will!

i will!

normally, i’m all for self-pity. like, i like feeling sorry for myself. this time, i really don’t want to. i really don’t want to be in this situation.

i think it’s a bigger tragedy when you’re so into someone, or if you’ve found someone you think is absolutely perfect, only to have the person taken away by circumstances, rather than if you were just plain repulsive and had no one to begin with. at that point — and at this stage of self-pitying — that makes me a lot worse off than the troll under the bridge.

family obligations exist, my age restricts. i ought to just pack off and go, in order to cling to something i’ve found that i really never thought i would. or could. and now i watch, in slow motion, the crash, the crunch, and finally the splatter after.

“no, it’s not forever,”
“come join me as soon as you can,”
“why can’t you join me?”
“i want to have something forever.”

don’t talk about forever though, because on a more sagely level i feel it’s just impossible to predict anything. and on a typically childish level, i feel it jinxes it. yes, it does. oggledy boogledy.

talking to a best friend yesterday, she said we both have abandonment issues. she conveniently cites her parents’ divorce, pointing out that i have no good goddamned reason to have the same issue. like she owns them. bah.

but i do have them, and i really don’t know why. when i was a kid, i used to convince myself that my parents were a part of a big conspiracy to abandon me whenever they left me to watch a table in a self-service cafe (like delifrance, or fast food joint). i’d usually run to them at the counter to ensure that they were still around. more like in triumph, really, like, “ah HA! I SEE YOU.”

even knowing i’d have to endure some sort of chiding for losing the table. hey, it was worth it. peace of mind over anything else, i say!

peace of mind… yeah, i just want peace of mind.