Not pretty. That’s all I can say for Shayne Ward’s eponymous album. The X-Factor winner’s made some rounds round the U.K., and I was surprised to hear that “That’s My Goal” (a single playing heavily on local radio some months ago) was by him. And then there’s the whole ruckus over his astonishingly-good rendition of Somewhere over the Rainbow, so I checked out the album.

First look, I decided, okay, it isn’t too bad; many covers of popular songs can’t go too wrong for the typical fan demographic that buys albums of talent show winners. But then…HOLY COW WHAT IS THAT SOUND?

After a reflex action of yanking out my earphones, a look up at the screen showed that I was listening to Ward’s rendition of K-Ci & JoJo’s All My Life. For Anglo-Irish boy Ward, it might be hard swingin’ it with the bruthas, but substituting “my” with “mah” does not a black boy make.

A pity that the song alone, delivered with a soaring spirit that’d turn a Vienna choir boy green, has turned my entire opinion of the album awry, but I shall be giving it another listen soon, hopefully with a cleaner slate (and cleaner bill, with All My Life out of my head). I do wonder, however, if I was impressed with him on X-Factor merely because of his teary reaction to the judges and obvious desperation to win. That and the song I’ve been harping on is probably just fodder for all the little girls buying the album—not that there’s anything inherently wrong with that.

I’ve included a lo-fi version of the song here. Or download it so that you can secretly bop to it. (Oh, the shame—(afterthought) the shayne. Geddit? Geddit? Ha ha. You know I’m funny.)

“Close to me-uh like mah father, close to me-uh like mah sister…”