In honour of the office politics that I’ve been witnessing as of late, here are five lessons I’ve learnt in the past two years working in one:

1. Have the ugliest cup in the office. No one steals it that way, and you get to use one that you can call your own, wholly untainted.

To illustrate, mine is a clear lexan beaker (with pouring spout), mildly yellowed with a year of tea stains and sports a utilitarian black plastic handle secured to the body by a stainless steel ring.

It’s unbreakable, holds boiling drinks, and is completely hideous. I love it.

2. Wearing heels stops you from doing office-related tasks. It doesn’t matter what else you’re wearing.

I could be in army togs but heels are my ticket out of replacing the water tumbler at the dispenser, carrying piles of magazines, adjusting the blinds and using my brain.

3. The music emanating from your desk doesn’t make you the office charity radio, it makes you a jerk.

Especially if your taste in music consists of random thumps and screeches. It isn’t indie, you tool, it’s a horror movie.

4. Powerpoint presentations should be exactly that—power points.

They shouldn’t just be subtitles accompanying your speech or a deaf aid.

5. Set the bar low. If you’re cheery and always greet people in the morning, you become a temperamental b**ch if you don’t, one day.

The world loves the calm, the placid, the vanilla.