Now I know why two out of three times I go to the toilet, the seat is wet—all you women have been hovering and sprinkling all over the place.

But fear not, for the rest of us who make some contact with the seat. I have an important tip: based on Very Scientific Test methods, I found that because of the disdain with which most people hold the first cubicle (due to assumptions that is it the closest to the entrance and therefore most frequented), this means it is ironically the least used. And most likely, the cleanest. So chances are, you’ll have more luck with the first cubicle, if you get squeamish about yellow water on the seat.

Strangely, many hoverers are squeamish about that. I don’t understand; if you’re hovering anyway, what does it matter what’s on the seat? Can someone say ‘double standards’?

On that note, I wish there were a rule making hoverers hover over the same bowl…If you’re already sprinkling, we might as well lump you people together.

Q: What does it mean when your office toilet perpetually stinks?
A: It means your colleagues are full of sh*t.

Guffaw. Thank you, thank you, I’ll be here all week.

H’okay, decided to have a little poll running, because one of my female colleagues returned from the toilet earlier, complaining that someone left her toilet seat lined with toilet paper, and didn’t remove the dressing upon leaving.

So. Ladies only, obviously. Please vote.